ContraMary – Who am I?

MEMORIES OF CHILDHOOD AND YOUTHFUL LIFE : ALL WHAT MADE ME WHAT I AM IN THE TIME OF NOW

My year of birth is 1935 … Born as Eva Maria Koslowski in Harburg just across the River Elbe opposite to Hamburg. So I am 77 years old. When I look back I do not know how time passed by so swiftly.

My father and my mother were cousins of 1st degree bearing the same name as their fathers were brothers. All my family came from a little town in East Prussia (very much catholic) and entries of the Church Register proved that our family had lived there since 1700 and something.

I was a single child and the first thing I remember was sitting on the well-known “potty” in the living room and somehow I succeeded to stretch my body so much that I got hold of a pencil. I still remember how much I had to stretch my body to the utmost I could.

I recall even today my thoughts that using this pencil on the wall beside me would be an idea that my mother would not really approve of, but I shoved this thought aside and made some circles on the wall. At first smaller ones and then with increasing velocity and joy, bigger and bigger ones with all the length of my arms and full power. I do not vividly remember any more the shouting and crying of my mother, all I still know is there was a big huge turmoil, which I shoved aside in my mind and memory.

These “Circles of Life” stayed there for some longer while as I think my parents had not the money to put up new wallpaper on the walls of our living room. So we lived with it – as it was our “Living room”! Our family was still suffering from the aftermath of the worldwide depression, when my father had been out of work for 5 years.

That’s me – ContraMary, doing what comes into my mind all the time as the urge from out my heart is so strong that I cannot resist from finding out about the results when I manifest this urge by my doings.

Through World War II, my life was filled with bombing attacks in Harburg starting with the 2nd Attack ever flown into Germany by the British Air Force on 18th May 1940. Harburg is an industrial town just across the River Elbe opposite Hamburg founded in competition to the more powerful old Town of the Hansel: Hamburg.
I still remember when the bombers were coming into our skies, flying in formation of carpets which made a gruesome deep soaring noise… Then per Governmental Decree all children had to be evacuated out of the so-called “bomb-raid regions” and were carried in trains to those parts of Germany free of bombing, where they stayed either in large camps or with individual families of these areas. I was lucky to go to my aunt to Poznan which was by then occupied and under German governance. I stayed there for about 2 years and saw many quite awful things as I lived in the SS-buildings from where the former inhabitants had been driven out. Very often I looked up the photos of those living in our flat before us, wondering where they were at that time. My aunt never threw these photos off as she wanted to leave them until the real people would return.
I had to experience many a sight of inmates of KZ-camps beaten up and felt deeply sorry for them. This was the time when I came to the conclusion never to disrespect any human being for its religion, belief, nationality and later: race offspring. It was this time when I found out by myself that we all are human beings despite of our differences as my mother had brought me up by the verse of Johann Wolfgang Goethe : “Edel sei der Mensch hilfreich und gut …”Man in his humanity should be noble, helpful and good.” …..I was 8 years old then.After the big bombing raids July 1943 when Hamburg was destroyed almost completely my mother came to Poznan and took me to East Prussia to the town our family originated from., It is part of Poland not far off the Russian Border, today by the name of “Lidzbark Warminski”. This turned out to be my happiest year of all my childhood as I felt so deeply rooted in this special country area ! ( You may look it up still today on Google Map, it still is so beautiful even from the overview)Still from here again we had to leave soon. Beginning of August 1944 as the Soviet Army was not far away and all people evacuated to East Prussia from the areas under bombing raids had to leave this region within 3 days notice. As we were domiciled in Hamburg we were concerned too and as we did not know where to go, we cabled friends of ours in now Czechien and were invited by return cable. We lived there from August 1944 to February 1945.

When the Soviet Army had approached so near being only 30 km away from us we set out to flee again from there via Prague and Dresden to the centre of Germany with all its bombed areas although we were not allowed to.
Before Dresden we were so lucky standing in a wagon for fugitives (last one of an Army-Train) hiding in some bushes when the great well-known bombing raid on Dresden took place. We all were packed up in this train-wagon like herrings in a can, including me and my mother, standing on one foot for hours only sometimes changing feet right to left and vice versa.
For the first time of my life I heard a fire-storm sing its wild power-chorus in the winds created by amassing bomb explosions – I merged into the mass of people (stuffed there inside like herrings) being only one aspect of all the crying and shouting voices which appeared to me as One and Sole Voice of Fear and Fright, raising its frequency with each new wave of this firestorm hurling beyond us. All this time too we were attacked by deep flying American planes shooting into the train.But luckily we, my mother and I, came out of this horror alive. It took us 17 days to go from the Czechien’s border by train (any sort of, even open wagons of freight trains in winter rain and snow with deep flying attacks of fighting planes ) to Lower Saxony in Germany to my father’s working place near Hamburg. My father was in the construction of war-vehicles as he was a veteran of World War I being wounded in battles. These were only the rough outlines of what I had to live through during WWII.In all I attended more than 13 different schools. I never could stay very long in any place – so I never could turn it into some sort of a home in my heart and love but for Lidzbark Warminski, being a fugitive, being volatile, ever on the go. Needless to say our flat in Hamburg-Harburg had been bombed too in the meantime. All possessions we had was packed in 3 or 4 suitcases.

Already at that time I felt presciently when some event was to come up which would make us shift again to some other place and it was a sort of burdening prescient feeling, depressing my heart. I would tell my mother, “Something is coming again.”

This went on until the end of war … And after WWII? we had to overcome what I still now recall the real “Big Thing”. We were hungry all the time, shivering with cold in the hard winter of 1946/47 and sharing only one single furnished room with our family, the three of us, for 5 years on end. Hamburg was bombed – we had lost everything, many families had been torn apart not knowing whether the other part was still alive. ….Boys of 12 and 14 of age (siblings of a much befriended family) marched from the South of Germany from their evacuation camps on foot right across Germany to the North – to Hamburg and we all were very happy to see them so much alive again.

I do not know why I am telling all this in an introduction – but this again is due to the same strong urge rising from my heart with which I started this story. Perhaps because this is one of the many explanations of how I managed my further life as an adult.

These experiences during the war made and molded me into some character which turned out to be quite different to what was normal in those times by the majority and I followed this line through all my life until now.

Never feeling at home where I lived – always on the go – always some sort of fugitive – learning to leave behind what I had built up before with all my means and strength and all the more – learning what is of real value in life. And learning life has only one invariable secret factor that is its ever more recurring change. I learned to let go and started to love and to live the fugitive character of life, went down to its very essence and lived out every moment of it as if it was my last one. Everything I acquired was only to bid farewell to it again! in such ways I tried to free myself of most of my inner bondage which I considered some sort of imprisonment.
I walked out on 3 husbands with a suitcase or some bag under my arm – once there was even a little baby with me – every time leaving a nicely furnished and most comfortable flat to my then-ex-husband and besides raising my daughter on my own for years I did not stop working full-time as a secretary with many additional jobs beside, throughout 40 years – however this was later and not after my first leave from London with my baby-daughter.

Since 1989 I have been on my own – single life – which I enjoy, not being “owned” or bound by so-called earthly love-expectations any more. I am free from feeling compelled to come up to those expectations of misunderstood love-feelings and I cherish this situation very much.

I gave my notice to the former aggravating Matrix-power about 15 years ago – finally freeing myself from that bondage – not completely free – as there were still these inside strong liability feelings laid on me like a huge burden by my upbringing and education.

I have striven hard to get rid of them for the past two decades and thus I was driven into the search for spiritual growing …in which I am still now and with the coming Ascension I know I shall reach complete freedom of being returned to some fully conscious being and going home to where I came from once before starting this Adventure of Duality.

I am the one which I am waiting for now.
I am looking forward to the one I shall become.
This is the greatest adventure of all my incarnations here on earth.

This is I – ContraMary – striving for freedom all my last life – now half awake on my individual road to Ascension to become a fully consciously spiritual being, comprehending myself as one of the manifold divine sparkles and aspects of All-there-is, with the uncountable names of the still eternal One-and-Only-Source of Creation !

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