ContraMary – Who am I?


My year of birth is 1935 … Born as Eva Maria Koslowski in Harburg just across the River Elbe opposite to Hamburg. So I am 77 years old. When I look back I do not know how time passed by so swiftly.

My father and my mother were cousins of 1st degree bearing the same name as their fathers were brothers. All my family came from a little town in East Prussia (very much catholic) and entries of the Church Register proved that our family had lived there since 1700 and something.

I was a single child and the first thing I remember was sitting on the well-known “potty” in the living room and somehow I succeeded to stretch my body so much that I got hold of a pencil. I still remember how much I had to stretch my body to the utmost I could.

I recall even today my thoughts that using this pencil on the wall beside me would be an idea that my mother would not really approve of, but I shoved this thought aside and made some circles on the wall. At first smaller ones and then with increasing velocity and joy, bigger and bigger ones with all the length of my arms and full power. I do not vividly remember any more the shouting and crying of my mother, all I still know is there was a big huge turmoil, which I shoved aside in my mind and memory.

These “Circles of Life” stayed there for some longer while as I think my parents had not the money to put up new wallpaper on the walls of our living room. So we lived with it – as it was our “Living room”! Our family was still suffering from the aftermath of the worldwide depression, when my father had been out of work for 5 years.

That’s me – ContraMary, doing what comes into my mind all the time as the urge from out my heart is so strong that I cannot resist from finding out about the results when I manifest this urge by my doings.

Through World War II, my life was filled with bombing attacks in Harburg starting with the 2nd Attack ever flown into Germany by the British Air Force on 18th May 1940. Harburg is an industrial town just across the River Elbe opposite Hamburg founded in competition to the more powerful old Town of the Hansel: Hamburg.
I still remember when the bombers were coming into our skies, flying in formation of carpets which made a gruesome deep soaring noise… Then per Governmental Decree all children had to be evacuated out of the so-called “bomb-raid regions” and were carried in trains to those parts of Germany free of bombing, where they stayed either in large camps or with individual families of these areas. I was lucky to go to my aunt to Poznan which was by then occupied and under German governance. I stayed there for about 2 years and saw many quite awful things as I lived in the SS-buildings from where the former inhabitants had been driven out. Very often I looked up the photos of those living in our flat before us, wondering where they were at that time. My aunt never threw these photos off as she wanted to leave them until the real people would return.
I had to experience many a sight of inmates of KZ-camps beaten up and felt deeply sorry for them. This was the time when I came to the conclusion never to disrespect any human being for its religion, belief, nationality and later: race offspring. It was this time when I found out by myself that we all are human beings despite of our differences as my mother had brought me up by the verse of Johann Wolfgang Goethe : “Edel sei der Mensch hilfreich und gut …”Man in his humanity should be noble, helpful and good.” …..I was 8 years old then.After the big bombing raids July 1943 when Hamburg was destroyed almost completely my mother came to Poznan and took me to East Prussia to the town our family originated from., It is part of Poland not far off the Russian Border, today by the name of “Lidzbark Warminski”. This turned out to be my happiest year of all my childhood as I felt so deeply rooted in this special country area ! ( You may look it up still today on Google Map, it still is so beautiful even from the overview)Still from here again we had to leave soon. Beginning of August 1944 as the Soviet Army was not far away and all people evacuated to East Prussia from the areas under bombing raids had to leave this region within 3 days notice. As we were domiciled in Hamburg we were concerned too and as we did not know where to go, we cabled friends of ours in now Czechien and were invited by return cable. We lived there from August 1944 to February 1945.

When the Soviet Army had approached so near being only 30 km away from us we set out to flee again from there via Prague and Dresden to the centre of Germany with all its bombed areas although we were not allowed to.
Before Dresden we were so lucky standing in a wagon for fugitives (last one of an Army-Train) hiding in some bushes when the great well-known bombing raid on Dresden took place. We all were packed up in this train-wagon like herrings in a can, including me and my mother, standing on one foot for hours only sometimes changing feet right to left and vice versa.
For the first time of my life I heard a fire-storm sing its wild power-chorus in the winds created by amassing bomb explosions – I merged into the mass of people (stuffed there inside like herrings) being only one aspect of all the crying and shouting voices which appeared to me as One and Sole Voice of Fear and Fright, raising its frequency with each new wave of this firestorm hurling beyond us. All this time too we were attacked by deep flying American planes shooting into the train.But luckily we, my mother and I, came out of this horror alive. It took us 17 days to go from the Czechien’s border by train (any sort of, even open wagons of freight trains in winter rain and snow with deep flying attacks of fighting planes ) to Lower Saxony in Germany to my father’s working place near Hamburg. My father was in the construction of war-vehicles as he was a veteran of World War I being wounded in battles. These were only the rough outlines of what I had to live through during WWII.In all I attended more than 13 different schools. I never could stay very long in any place – so I never could turn it into some sort of a home in my heart and love but for Lidzbark Warminski, being a fugitive, being volatile, ever on the go. Needless to say our flat in Hamburg-Harburg had been bombed too in the meantime. All possessions we had was packed in 3 or 4 suitcases.

Already at that time I felt presciently when some event was to come up which would make us shift again to some other place and it was a sort of burdening prescient feeling, depressing my heart. I would tell my mother, “Something is coming again.”

This went on until the end of war … And after WWII? we had to overcome what I still now recall the real “Big Thing”. We were hungry all the time, shivering with cold in the hard winter of 1946/47 and sharing only one single furnished room with our family, the three of us, for 5 years on end. Hamburg was bombed – we had lost everything, many families had been torn apart not knowing whether the other part was still alive. ….Boys of 12 and 14 of age (siblings of a much befriended family) marched from the South of Germany from their evacuation camps on foot right across Germany to the North – to Hamburg and we all were very happy to see them so much alive again.

I do not know why I am telling all this in an introduction – but this again is due to the same strong urge rising from my heart with which I started this story. Perhaps because this is one of the many explanations of how I managed my further life as an adult.

These experiences during the war made and molded me into some character which turned out to be quite different to what was normal in those times by the majority and I followed this line through all my life until now.

Never feeling at home where I lived – always on the go – always some sort of fugitive – learning to leave behind what I had built up before with all my means and strength and all the more – learning what is of real value in life. And learning life has only one invariable secret factor that is its ever more recurring change. I learned to let go and started to love and to live the fugitive character of life, went down to its very essence and lived out every moment of it as if it was my last one. Everything I acquired was only to bid farewell to it again! in such ways I tried to free myself of most of my inner bondage which I considered some sort of imprisonment.
I walked out on 3 husbands with a suitcase or some bag under my arm – once there was even a little baby with me – every time leaving a nicely furnished and most comfortable flat to my then-ex-husband and besides raising my daughter on my own for years I did not stop working full-time as a secretary with many additional jobs beside, throughout 40 years – however this was later and not after my first leave from London with my baby-daughter.

Since 1989 I have been on my own – single life – which I enjoy, not being “owned” or bound by so-called earthly love-expectations any more. I am free from feeling compelled to come up to those expectations of misunderstood love-feelings and I cherish this situation very much.

I gave my notice to the former aggravating Matrix-power about 15 years ago – finally freeing myself from that bondage – not completely free – as there were still these inside strong liability feelings laid on me like a huge burden by my upbringing and education.

I have striven hard to get rid of them for the past two decades and thus I was driven into the search for spiritual growing …in which I am still now and with the coming Ascension I know I shall reach complete freedom of being returned to some fully conscious being and going home to where I came from once before starting this Adventure of Duality.

I am the one which I am waiting for now.
I am looking forward to the one I shall become.
This is the greatest adventure of all my incarnations here on earth.

This is I – ContraMary – striving for freedom all my last life – now half awake on my individual road to Ascension to become a fully consciously spiritual being, comprehending myself as one of the manifold divine sparkles and aspects of All-there-is, with the uncountable names of the still eternal One-and-Only-Source of Creation !

Copyright © ContraMary  All Rights Reserved. You may copy and redistribute this material so long as you do not alter it in any way, the content remains complete, and you include this copyright notice link

18 thoughts on “ContraMary – Who am I?

  1. There are occasions when you realize the lack of words. So, leaving a reply becomes so difficult due to just this lack of words. Only two words I can think now: Respect and Admiration.
    I salute you, my dear Eva Maria.

  2. Oh Mary you are an amazing writer and an amazing survivor….Your story beamed love alive in my heart for you. Thank you for being my friend. Love you, Joey

  3. I feel deep gratitude to you because of your appreciating comments and thank you from my inner heart. Blessings and light to you and a smooth journey towards our mutual goal ,,,,

  4. There mtos years ago I read a book called Eva, Meyer Levin. Cm the date of 1970, was my mother. “Stole” to me. I keep to this day because it was a book that really moved me. Coincidentally mto the story is similar to yours. The touching story of a Jewish girl who escapes the death trap in occupied Poland, lurks in the heart of Germany and even moving between disguised by the Nazis, determined to deceive them and escape them, to live. Amazing! TY for yours words. ❤

  5. Thks for sharing this my dear – this book must have revealed to you the same vibration as my story of life as I was not exactly a Jewish girl but went through many experiences of war and after WWII this sort of life continued for me —struggling and fighting for my daughter and my existence and my believes.
    Thank you so much for your heartfelt comment, Ana Claudia ! (Contra)Mary

  6. Dear ContraMary, thanks for reading my blog post about Mother Mary. I came to your blog to read about you and found your courageous story. I’m so glad I did. I feel honored to be touched by you. Thank you for telling your story so honestly and bravely. I have not had a difficult life this time, but I do have ancestors from Prussia and feel connected to that part of the world. I tried to find their village in Prussia but they changed their surname… and my great grandmother died in Dresden, before the war. Sharing our blogs, I feel like a sister to you. Love and blessings on your spiritual journey, Jennifer

  7. I just saw your comment, Jennifer, and am very thankful for your appreciation.
    Yes Now is the time when so many souls having been lost and lonely under the 3-D.matrix experience the blessings of meeting another of alike kind ,,, it really is a blessing ,,, to learn about siblings of the alike ligthened mind and heart … I am very often taken away by my own new feelings about being alone no more … blessings to you !

    Please also go to my in March newly created blog “Querbeet” with link which was created in co-op with “Auras,Cores e Números” and will follow a somewhat diverging line together with Auras,Cores e Números ..may be of interest ….
    Love – Light and Om Shanti

  8. Dearest Eva, now I understand…on many levels… mother was born in Frankfurt in 1933. I was born in Frankfurt in 1954 and taken from her, adopted by Americans. I did find her but we had only had a few months together before she died. Her family too is originally Prussian. She is also Jewish (but that was hidden from her) and fled as you did to camps etc..her story sounds so much like your story as it touches my soul and lets me in on her precious life. You would be soul sisters….when we met we were both stunned and relieved to see that we too shared the same soul even though we were torn apart. She died at the age of 61 and asked me to write our “story” to write the “truth” I have just finished it to honor her 80th birthday this July 7th, 2013. Thank you for finding me and creating this trail for me to find you…..

  9. My dear Laural – do not thank me – give your thanks to spirit and to our all Creator -leading and guiding us to joinings and meetings in orderto find some essential solutions of our incarnation.

    Give the praise to the Divine and go ahead on your chosen path of change and ascension –
    needless to say that I am asp deeply touched by your comment. Sending you all my love and light to you …Shalom -Om Shanti – Namasté

  10. Wow!!! What a story! I’m deeply touched by your resilience, your profound inner strength. I wasn’t born into this costume until ’46, while dying in my “previous” one just prior, during the war in Italy. I was an Italian teen (not a soldier) and was inadvertently shot to death by an American soldier who subsequently agreed to father me into this body. Interestingly (to me, anyway), my father’s physical lineage was German and Cherokee. As a retired career soldier, he easily convinced me to choose Germany as my first choice for duty assignment in the US Air Force and that’s what I got: 2 years in Zweibruken from ’65 – ’66. Being a natural rebel, I had many young German friends that aligned with my desire to see Rock ‘n’ Roll change the world through what I played on the radio during my free time on the Canadian Forces Network on an air base across town from my post. The most profound experience there, however, was through my job in a USAF Intelligence unit that shockingly forced me to acknowledge that I was working for the bad guys; that in fact, ALL governments and militaries were/ are the bad guys. I was working for criminals! That awareness had a HUGE impact on the flow of my path. I wish that I’d met you when I was there. Perhaps my path would’ve been accelerated.
    The reason that I came to look for the contact page was to point out that the word “humanities” in the website header should read “humanity’s”. It’s a small quibble, but I’d seen your very interesting name on various forwards I’ve received and wondered about its origin and took this opportunity to read this aspect of your story. I’m delighted that I did.

    Thank you for your great service to us all!


    — Kanmara

  11. Thank you for your comment and your appreciation, dear Kanmara … apropos the term humanities is the right spelling as I do write British English and not American English …and the former one is slightly different not only in pronunciation but in spelling too.. I should have loved to meet you when you spent your life here in Zweibrücken …. but better at last than never …. and that is today…. Thank you again for this nice comment from you ! Namasté (Contra)Mary=Evamaria (Contramary btw is taken from Mother Goose Nursery Rhymes)

  12. Thank you for posting our article: “The things that were, the things are, and the things that must shortly come to pass.” How does one access it from your home page? The way I got to it was rather convoluted. Not easy at all. I would like to refer friends but don’t know where to direct them. Thank you again, Joseph Compton

  13. Dear me, I am a bit at a loss to find it myself … have transferred your question to my co-author Brother Dave with whom I am handling this blog, I myself entered Internet – ignorant like a newborn baby in April 2011 and joined Brother Dave one year later ,..lacking still all basic knowledge how to handle a blog …. all I did was posting articles according to the resonance of my inner heart and here I am now …. it might take some time until Brother Dave will reply to this comment of yours as he is under frequent Asthma – Attacks and very busy as caretaker of his old-aged aunt….. so please understand and have a bit of patience here …. I myself pressed the button for Search – on top right side of my Homepage (title without quotation-marks) but did not arrive at this titled article too …. If on the article re-blogged by me is given a shortlink – you might use this one too, But anyway thank you so much for your question ,..with future re-blogs of mine I always shall quote the shortlink too at the end of any post…. thanks again and

  14. Pingback: PS 4-5-16 *Music, Message, Nidle – Love Across The Veil: Paul & Sylvia's Blog

  15. ContraMary- You have a way with words. Could you put me on your friends list and keep in touch? I am ContraryMary, a Drama Queen who doesn’t mean to be such but don’t really know who I am. Thanks. After 78 years, I still don’t know why I am here!
    Mary Janis

  16. Pingback: Bilingual Diary/Tagebuch – Kapitel 15/Chapter 15 | Illuminations Now!!

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