Heavenletter #5775 In the Waiting Room of the Human Heart, September 16, 2016
Welcome. Get over here. Get out of that abyss you have put yourself in while you try to decide about Me. You turn over your thoughts, and I hear your heartbeat. I hear you all right. I hear you say:
“Beloved God, sometimes it is enough for me to say Beloved God, and this is all I have to say — Beloved God.
“Sometimes the phrase ‘God of my Fathers’ haunts me. I have no idea of what this means, as if You can be the God of one group and not another? I cannot believe in this, God, that you are my God, and another God is somebody else’s God. This seems so opposed to One God. Is there someone whose God You would not be?
“Yet the phrase haunts me. My God. Someone else’s God. Here a God, there a God.
“In most things, I appreciate divergence. I like things original and new, and I do like to think inside me that you are My God, mine. Does this have to do with ownership?
There is something I like about the expression:’Perhaps it is the rhythm of it.’
“And there is the expression: ‘Personal or impersonal God’.
“For a long time, I was aware of no God at all. I was definitely not against You, God, yet I didn’t knowingly have a speaking acquaintance.
“I accept now that I did deeply know You all the while, the quality of You. However, I did not experience you as my God at all. You were for others to talk about, yet not for me to venture toward. I was stand-offish, yet it was like I was watching You all the while, yet, I couldn’t quite acknowledge you. I never said a word.
“Now I know now that You were smiling at me, for You did somehow, at some point, snag me. You caught me hook, line, and sinker. I see now that I had no chance when it came to You.
“I wonder how many lifetimes I have danced away from You, skirted the whole issue of You, God. Life took long then, and now life goes fast.
“As it was, the question: ‘Does God exist?’ didn’t enter my mind. It was not altogether that You did not exist for me. I see now it was more that I did not let on to myself that You and I went deep. I averted my eyes. You were nameless to Me. You were a void. You were a vague God. I held You at a distance. I sequestered myself. I stayed in a waiting room of my heart.
“Yet nothing stops You.
“Looking back, I must have had a certain reverence for You. Perhaps You sat in the waiting room of my heart with me. Perhaps You were right beside me. Perhaps You even held my hand all the while.
“Did I think I was not good enough to know You? What was it? Was I shy?
“But then, You broke all my barriers. I didn’t do it. You began to happen to me. And then, you consumed my life. You were the Hero Who swept me off my feet. You lifted me up. You carried me all the way to You which turned out to be my Very Self.
“Before You, God, before You walked in, I was a stranger to My Self, and then I began to sense You full-on instead of from an angle. You arose in my heart, and you have never left. You made Your Self known to me in my heart. You never let me go.
“You held me captive with my full agreement. Your holding me captive gave me Great Freedom.
“It’s not that I can’t get You out of my mind. I spend time shopping or puzzling something, and I am not thinking of You, and, therefore, I return to You time and time again. It is happiness to be One with You.
“Is it true that only one thought can occupy my mind at one time, for it seems to me that sometimes a million thoughts race through my mind all at once.
” I do know that I would be empty, vacant, un-alive without a thought of You. It must be that You pulled me to You, and You keep me content with You as You keep me unbound.
“And sometimes I am so close to You that I no longer exist. I would be hard-pressed to explain what this means, yet there are the good times when You are closer than close, when You are my Very Being, and there is nothing in the world but You. Is this true, God, what I feel?”
Yes, it is true.